50 Shades of my Absurd Dating Life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s hard to believe a year has gone by of sleeping alone in my own bed. To commemorate the occasion, I’ve decided to reflect on the last year of my “romantic” life, and in doing so, I’ve realized I might as well share it with the world so that someone may at least find some entertainment in my… well, I’ll try not to use the word ‘misfortunes’… we’ll just say, my “experiences”.

Back in November I wrote this little piece after a couple glasses of wine. Let me forewarn you, though, that this post provides no helpful information and offers zero wisdom. People seeking fun travel stories, beautiful pictures, or warm, fuzzy life reflections should just walk away and save themselves now. The following is merely for your entertainment at my expense. Do enjoy.

November 14, 2011
Venturing back into the dating jungle

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! More like, creepers and stalkers and weirdos, oh my!
For the first time in five years, I have entered the dating world. And people ain’t lying when they say it’s a jungle out there. For a long time I sat comfortably up in the canopy, observing the beastly antics below while Tarzan and I made sweet, sweet love in our tree house. And then, it turned out Tarzan is a prick. And just for good measure we’ll say he was eaten by a lion. So sweet little Jane realized she had to find her own bananas, and thus she descended into the murky wilderness below.

Which brings me to online dating.

“Just try it! There are lots of great people on there! I have three dates already!”

We all have that one friend; the kind of person who can somehow convince you that doing something blatantly stupid is the greatest idea since ice cream.

“I made this cheesecake, have a piece!”
“I’m on a diet.”
“But it’s totally low fat and reduced sugar!”
“Ok fine, I’ll just eat one small piece.”
“Here, have a second piece.”
“No way, I’m on a diet!”
“But it’s low fat. And it has protein! It’s totally good for you. It’s almost gone, we might as well finish it; if we eat the whole thing today then we won’t eat any of it tomorrow.”
‘Ok. Damn you.”

Yes, the same person convinced me to join online dating. I won’t specify which lovely domain hosted me, but I will tell you that my username is CapriSun23. Go ahead, judge me. I just didn’t want to include my real name and I figured that Capri Suns were an awesome childhood memory for everyone. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize at that time that it somewhat resembled a stripper name.

This weekend marked my first “date”. I’d like to use a bunch of adjectives exclaimed in a British accent to describe it–brilliant! superb! magnificent!– but alas, twas not to be. To make a very, very long story short and spare some of the gruesome details, it was not exactly…ideal. Though by the end of the night my gentleman friend appeared madly in love with me, thankfully the only communication I received from him the following day was a picture text message of a hamburger. No explanation, just the burger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And so, little Jane will take a brief respite in her tree house until the monkeys come calling again, and then it’s back to the jungle. She doesn’t want to let just one bad anaconda deter her from her mission to find her King of the Jungle. There’s gotta be a watering hole with a tiger around here somewhere…”

SINCE THAT FATEFUL DAY, I’ve not yet found my King of the Jungle, but there was the small Jewish man with a giant head who bought me a cup of coffee. He was nice, I guess…

The Hamburglar (see above) continued to desperately text me despite my radio silence in response. He had gotten us concert tickets, wanted to come see my aerial performance, and was wondering what my plans were for Thanksgiving. That lasted for about two months before he may have finally gotten the hint…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THERE WAS THE NICE LAWYER MAN I went on a hike with, but I’m pretty sure he was gay. Just last weekend I saw him at a bar by himself, crying into his glass of beer…

THEN THERE WAS THE D-BAG who arranged our first date at a dive bar and spoke ever so condescendingly about my hobby of aerial dance. He told me I should “climb some curtains” and show him what I do. Instead, I challenged him to fuzball and beat him mercilessly until the date was finally over. Never heard from him again, sigh…

THERE WAS THE NICE GUY WHO WORKED IN FINANCE. He was an hour late for our date because of his job in finance. He tried to explain is finance job to me and I tried to change the subject to what he does for fun–to which he replied, finance. Can you guess what his favorite kind of books are? I’ll give you a hint: the history of finance.

I almost forgot about the rock band bassist who tried to keep my lower lip as a souvenir.

AND THEN THERE WAS THE MORNING I woke up on a hotel floor and texted my friends that “my life has become a goddamn Kesha song”. Talk about a downward spiral.

Clearly, it’s time to reassess my dating tactics. Sorry boys, but you will no longer find CapriSun23 online anymore as she has retired. The strategy I’ve adopted lately is to keep my head down and avoid the fray, and these days the nunnery isn’t looking so bad after all; I hear the one in Santa Barbara even has an ocean view…

BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, I had a moment of clarity earlier this year, and amidst the rubble of my attempted dating life I posted this status;  it’s a philosophy I’ve tried to keep in mind ever since.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll be honest: Craziness aside, I’m living a darn good life, and enjoying every moment of it. Some day I’ll meet “the one”; the most important thing until then, and forever after, is to love myself and try to be the best person I can be, single or not. Which probably means I should stop online dating and getting into ridiculous situations like waking up on hotel floors with my clothes wet from late night swimming.